barriers KimberlyElaine D52

Today, I'm feeling kind of like this...

Worn and weathered, cracking a bit. Barriers blocking my way every direction I look; seeing a tiny, blurry chance of making it way up ahead.

Day 52 is a really tough day for me in just about every way. I was debating on it back and forth whether I should even write about it. People sometime ask me, how can you do it? Laying your life out there like that to be judged, writing about everything and for everyone to know your whole life.

It's not really like that though, there are so many things in my life that are just for me, my husband and daughter, or just for our family or friends. I have a lot that I do share which gives me an advantage as a photographer as it does for all the other photographers that share their images, struggles and lives. Sharing makes the individuals who we seek to capture natural, real images of- well it makes them more comfortable because they know who you are and exactly what you are about.

That isn't the reason I decided to write this post though, I decided to write this post for all the women who have gone through, are going through or maybe don't even know they will go through it in the future. I'm writing for them because it's hard and every little bit we talk about it and learn from it helps it get just a little better.

I was told by multiple doctors there was a really good chance I would never be able to conceive. I spent so many years worrying, crying and fearing that I would never get the chance to have a child. Joe and I decided we would be okay, we would adopt in the future... we were determined we wanted to be parents. By some miracle we had Kailyn, still to this day I'm really not quite sure how.

Those of you that know me well probably know I have had my fair share (if there is such a thing) of weird, rare and down right frustrating health problems every since I was a child. Even though the last year has been filled with rare and frustrating medical problems for me, because I somehow had my little Kailyn I guess I got my hopes up that I would be able to get pregnant again one day.

Day 52 put the fear, sadness and worry right back in my head and heart. I don't know whether we will be able to have another baby, there are so many things stacked against us at this point. It is a constant worry for a lot of women and therefore it deserves to be talked about. Some of my closet friends have gone through the same obstacles or similar situations and it is hard on everyone involved.

There is no other way to look at it, Kailyn is a blessing. I feel so lucky to have an understanding husband to support me as I struggle through, he shows me how to be strong. I also feel lucky to know that no matter what we will get that little brother or sister for Kailyn one day, I know we'll end up adopting. Those that I have seen touched by the adoption process are some of the most incredible people I have ever met, with the most unique perspective on everything.

Even though I know all of those things, it still hurts.